What do you do when you feel as if everything you try ends in utter failure? Which direction do you choose when life feels hopeless. All I have eveer wanted to do was find my place in the world; find my special talent that will prove to those who have taunted me all my life that I am someone. Live is so confusing at times and it all just gets so overwhelming. I want to contribute to making a better life for Michael and I. I know that he doesn’t expect it of me, but I feel horrid because I am of no help to him. Waking each morning, all the worries and fears for the futrure return. Falling asleep at night, a constant struggle. I wish for dreamless sleep, but instead all of my childhood night terrors come creeping back like an insistant plague.
I just wish that I knew what was the right thing to do. I just wish that I could fix it. I have never felt so helpless, so ignorant. All of my education and this is what my value amounts to. It is so hard to put on a reassuring smile when things go wrong for us, no matter how much he tries. My heart aches for him because he is truly a good man, he tries his best and gives it his all and for what? For the world to keep slamming door after door in his face. He deserves so much better than that. He deserves to have the moral support to get through this, but I’m not sure that I am strong enough anymore to be able to help him. I feel useless. No one wants to give employment to a pregnant woman, no matter how good at the job I could be.
I worked so hard for my college degrees only to find out that they are worth jack shit in todays market. Sometimes I feel like just giving up, but then I feel the baby growing inside me move and kick and it is at that moment that I know that I mustn’t. I want to be a good mother for our baby. I want to give her the loving and safe childhood that I was denied by my parents. I’m just so fearful of failure in so very many ways. I keep all of this locked inside because it will do no good to share it. It will only cause him to worry about me and not focus on all of the things that he already worries about. He is so focused on being able to take care of us that I couldn’t put this on him as well. Sometimes it feels as if the weight of my past will forever haunt me
Will forever curse me to a life of meager obsurity. I don’t want riches. I don’t want fame. I just want a life where I can just breathe easy and be happy. After everything, I just want to be happy.